A GLITCHED MIND

Amanda was just about to turn 25 when she reached the conclusion that her life was crashing on top of her. She didnt quite know if that was the proper way of explaining it, though that’s what it felt like.

She was an average looking young woman, once full of energy and zest, now she googles the meaning of “energy” and “zest”, she had an average job and lived a normal middle-class lifestyle.

It had been a while already when Amanda started to notice that she was losing herself, she was beginning to forget who she was… Instead, she found herself yearning for some quiet, “me-time”, so she could figure things out. What was she wanting to figure out? She kept asking herself that… meeting with blanks, dead ends often.

She had started to feel less important, less valued, she was less enthusiastic to do the things she once loved doing, instead she chose to sleep for long hours to while away time or to be alone thinking of a whole lot of things but nothing in particular at all.

Amanda was often emotional, something new to her, she would cry for no apparent reason and whilst sobbing, she would think of random things that made her sob harder. No sooner than she started sobbing, she would wipe off those tears ferociously, telling herself that she was stronger than that.

Her sleep patterns were haywire, it was like she lived in 10 different time zones in a week. Every night would be a different one and she never quite got those 8 hours of sleep until she would feel her body and mind crashing and would have no choice but to sleep… sleep for 18hrs at a stretch… this was becoming a pattern.

Yes, Amanda had terrible eating habits too, she loved binging… actually, she was a “guilty-eater”… She would not exercise portion control and when she exceeded what she knew was sickeningly wrong for her to eat, she would eat it nonetheless and hate herself for it.

There was no exercise, everything she needed was around her. She was lethargic and sluggish.

Her health suffered alot… Amanda was often ill… Mostly suffering from all sorts of body pains, muscle strains and headaches.

WAS AMANDA DEPRESSED???

She often asked herself that… She would Google the symptoms and take online quizzes to check if she was depressed… her results were generally headed toward being depressed.

Amanda felt less and less in control of her life and emotional state. She got on with the day’s duties but she seemed to have forgotten what happiness was or perhaps she was shying away from happiness?!

It didnt help that Amanda had Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) which causes chemical imbalances in the body. She had almost always had it, well from puberty, and knew the symptoms but what she was feeling now was different.

It got really serious when Amanda started to self-loathe, something that no one would ever expect from Amanda. She was always so “full of herself”… Now she barely brushed her hair.

Her family and friends were getting concerned and tried in the gentlest ways possible to try and speak to Amanda… She of course would “pretend” to not know what they were going on about… Shame filling her till she would keel over and dry heave.

Amanda wouldn’t allow herself to get into relationships, because deep down in her she knew she was not in the “right space”.

Loneliness turned to pity, pity turned to emotion, emotion to binging and that to self-hatred. She was losing herself and didnt know what to do.

Fortunately for Amanda, with the support from her sister, her best friend and some really supportive colleagues, she started to open up about random experiences and emotions she was feeling and no sooner than later she realized that all the talking she was doing was so therapeutic that she started to feel better day by day.

Amanda was on the brink of Depression, she could feel the dark, cold, isolated state of mind, almost like the broken down staircase in Titanic at the basement which was filling up with water that had you drowning whilst you watched each light bulb spark off and die… A numbingly scary feeling which traps one so easily with a grip so strong that often times there’s no return.

All the suicidal thoughts had disappeared from Amanda’s mind and she started to see the world for its beauty again… She started to make proper choices for her life, she chose who she let into her space, she wanted all toxic people out, she started a routine of getting her 8hrs of sleep, eating her 3 main meals and 2 snacks, having 2ls of water daily and having her binge moments in moderation.

Through God’s saving grace and mercy she is back on the path to love, light, peace and happiness.

Depression is a very real illness who’s force is often misunderstood. There are millions of men and women who a struggling with Depression daily, because they are too ashamed to admit it, to speak about it or to seek medical help for it.

DEPRESSION CAN BE BEATEN!!!… This is an urge to you to seek help if you’re going through anything like Amanda went through and for all families, friends and colleagues, if you see changes in the people around you, make that effort to start a conversation with them about anything at all… get them talking and show that you care, you will never know the difference it makes.

***This blog was written for all those who have stared depression in the face and beat it and for all those whom we’ve lost to depression, we promise to be more aware and more supportive***

R.I.P STEREOTYPES AND BODY SHAMING!!!

Stereotyping and body shaming has suddenly moved 10 steps up on the ladder towards Depression and Suicide… and it’s accelerating pace is becoming the cause of many a lowered self-esteem in the youth of today.

Yes, aspiring to be what is the “norm” or simply wanting to “fit” into society is natural for anyone, however, who dictates what normalcy is??? Who is society? Who feeds into the trends of this world?… It all starts with you!!!

Firstly and most importantly, you need to accept yourself for whom you really are and not whom you’re pretending to be. When you have accepted yourself fully, you will start to love yourself, you will start to show interest in yourself and inevitably you will be the only person who will or will not allow yourself to be body-shamed or stereotyped.

Body sizes and shapes are different, they are circumstantial, genetic, illness related and self-inflicted in some cases… But who is to say that yours is better than mine??!!

It often boils down to the fact that by nature, humans are never satisfied with anything they have!!! The thin person wishes to be fuller, the fuller one wishes to be smaller and so the cycle continues…

Unfortunately for the fuller figured person, they somehow feel more inadeqaute when it comes to their bodies… why???… Because society and trends have dictated that a thinner person is sexier, healthier, more appealing, gets chosen as models and celebrities, has better clothing and the list goes on… contrary to what the fact is, mind you!!!

It’s time that the world opened their minds as much as they’ve opened their eyes and realise that life is not at all only about the thin person and them being the best…

A person should never be stereotyped for their body shape, rather, they should be look at for what their worth is.

Society, parents, teachers and colleagues please understand that when you say things like “lose some weight”, “you’re fat”, “woah you’re like a giant”… it hurts a person in ways that you perhaps may never understand. Place yourself in their situation and imagine them calling you “scarecrow”, “tooth-pick”, “bean pole”… would you enjoy that???!!! No right??? Even hypocrites, people who have the same body shape as the next, find it fit to shame someone. Saddest thing ever!!!

All these moments of hurt build up in a person and often their sense of hopelessness leads to depression and even suicide in many cases.

All people, regardless of the shape or size of your body… stop being so superficial… surely a person is worth more than their waist size??!!! No one is perfect, even if you think you may be… Everyone has an opinion but I urge you to preserve voicing that opinion if it’s going to degrade and hurt someone.

This struggle is real, I’m a fuller figured woman and I love myself more than anything, I feel sexy and so I am sexy, I never look at myself critically and therefore I’ve never given anyone an opportunity to criticize me. I love fashion and trends but I love my body too, enough to realize that perhaps my body shape won’t look as sexy in every new piece of fashionable clothing than it may in another… It’s all about you!!!…

I realize that not everyone is as confident, hence this blog, I write, is to urge families, societies and celebrities to encourage your loved ones to be the healthiest and happiest version of themselves, help motivate them and inspire them. Let us preserve lives with all the capability in us, natural disasters, crime and wars are claiming more than enough already.

*** This blog was written for my baby cousin and baby bro SJ … one girl and one boy… Yes, body shaming affects males as much as it does females ***.

NORMAL IS JUST A SETTING ON THE WASHING MACHINE!!!

From that moment on, John’s life changed forever…

It was a Monday morning and as usual it came with its hurricane of tasks to complete before entering the routined “start of week” meeting with his colleagues to strategize and plan the week ahead. He had been doing a million things at once and in the midst of all the “madness” that surrounded him, he felt what he imagined to be a “shudder in his head”, followed by an overwhelming but split second of disorientation and dizziness. He placed his sweaty palms on his desk top to steady himself as he lowered himself to his chair.

It occurred to him that he hadn’t eaten yet and maybe the lack of energy was causing his body to, what he felt like was, surrender.

Whilst he gulped down some hot, freshly cooked french fries from the canteen with some cola, he started to have that sensation again, except this time, it was much worse and lasted what seemed like eternity.

His throat started to narrow and close in, causing difficulty with breathing, his heart rate began to escalate, he was perspiring profusely, chest pain and numbing of the limbs started too… he was convinced he was having a heart attack!!!

To add to his woes, his stomache churned so violently, he almost didn’t make it to the toilet.

Sitting on that toilet seat, all he could do was pray to God and ask for forgiveness of his sins… he really felt like he was dying… his heart pumping so hard, he could feel it in his back.

He managed to clean himself up and barely pulled his pants on properly when his colleague walked into his office… Jim looked at John in astonishment and immediately Jim knew that something was seriously wrong with John. Jim got John into his car and started to head toward the nearest hospital, John being the stubborn man that he was, refused to be taken to hospital and insisted on going home, protesting that it was rest that he needed.

By now John had started to feel a bit of ease although he was far from well.

John spent the next few days at home, mostly in bed. Almost every 40-60 minutes he would have like a “hot flush” followed by all the symptoms like earlier and the need to rush to the toilet because of the runny bowels. John had noticed that his vision would blur, he would have excruciating, pounding headaches and felt nauseous too whilst all the other syptoms played out. He honestly felt like death was at his door… Banging on his door!!!

After 4 days of trying to fight this, John decided to visit his GP, who yelled at him for leaving this for so long. The GP diagnosed John with a gastric bug and acid reflux… prescribed a grocery list of meds for John and send him home to rest.

It had been 9 days and John was wilting away… no appetite, no energy, symptoms were all there… maybe even worse now than before, medication prescribed was completed… John could not go on like this any longer.

John’s girlfriend Michelle contacted their Physician as she felt he needed a specialised consultation. They went in. Dr Zee could not believe that John was this ill and that he had waited such a lengthy period of time before seeing him.

Dr Zee got John to do all the routine specialist tests… Urine samples, 5 sets of bloods, vitals check, ECG, a run on he treadmill… the works!!!

Using a laser scanner and an ultrasound machine, Dr Zee checked John’s heart, lungs, liver, kidneys, bowels…

All, each and every test result came back 100% clear and normal. John was surprised and concerned as he needed to know what was going on with him.

The Moment that changed John’s life forever… or rather the moment that changed his own outlook on his life came when Dr Zee explained to John that he is diagnosed with CHRONIC ANXIETY, PANIC ATTACKS and POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER (PTSD), which was stress related.

John felt like his entire life and career, all he had achieved tantamounted for nothing because now he was “Looney”. He had already started to label and dispise himself… feeling unworthy, powerless and disabled.

Dr Zee, patiently and very gently explained to John that he should not have any of those feelings… he explained that with the medication prescibed and with following certain coping skills and a simple change in lifestyle, John would be healthy and absolutely normal.

Whilst Dr Zee was explaining, John had already decided that he would stick to a healthier diet, one with more detox and antioxidants, he could do 6-8 cups of green tea a day and he would try the 10 minute cardio exercise program Dr Zee introduced him to… BUT… he wasn’t gonna take any of those “crazy pills”… he wasn’t a “Nut job” and didn’t need “happy pills” to make him better.

So, relieved, John came to the car and explained to Michelle that he was stressed out and needed to follow a new lifestyle… he deliberately chose not to mention to her about his actual diagnosis of Chronic Anxiety and PTSD… let alone the fact that he had to take meds coz he was “Psycho”… he wasn’t taking them anyway!!!

John continued to feel mild to major episodes of the conglomerate of symptoms and by now it had been 15 days that he hadn’t been to work… His Boss and colleagues were asking what had happened, a couple threatened to visit even, but John casually brushed them off claiming that he had a horrible bout of gastro which was highly contagious.

John would be up through the night, he would be praying as he didn’t know what else to do. Finally be went back to Dr Zee as he was convinced that something more was wrong with him. He went for more tests and all came back clear.

Dr Zee discovered that John hadn’t been taking his tablet and therefore hadn’t felt any relief… In fact, he had been diagnosed with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) years ago and that increases or triggers anxiety, thereby causing the heart rate to increase. John had been hospitalized for Supra Ventricular Tachi Cardia (SVT – rapid heart rate) before and the fact that he refused to take his newly presicibed meds, meant that he was setting himself up for many other complications.

The very “depressed” John agreed to take the “happy pill” or “crazy pill” as he refered to it.

He actually did start taking the pill, half a tiny tablet every night for the Anxiey and a tiny pill in the morning to maintain a steady heart beat, combined with his small lifestyle changes and coping skills, John was on his road to recovery.

John took some time to research, understand and accept his diagnosis and when he did, he embraced it like any other illness and took the correct medication to control it.

He learned that a Panic Attack/ Anxiety Attack mimics a cardiac arrest, hence the chest pain, shortness of breath, dizziness, disorientation and weakness… the anxiety causes an irritation in the colon/bowel (Irritable Bowel Syndrome – IBS) which causes the diarrhoea and the tension from it all causes the pounding headaches.

He also learned some life-saving copying skills which he follows religiously:

1. When you feel the anxiety coming on, massage your Corroted Artery gently, it helps with calming your heart rate down.

2. Stop what you’re doing, sit back, close your eyes and try saying the Alphabets backward – it diverts your mind.

3. Make yourself some green tea. Green tea has multiple health benefits and is a great calming agent.

John lives a perfectly normal life, he’s thriving at work, he married Michelle and they have 3 beautiful children, John was even promoted to being the Director of his company.

Mental illness is frowned upon and has major stigmas and labels attached to it… if only people took the time to undertsand that it is like any other dreaded disease which can be controlled with medication, a lot more people would live happier, more fulfilling lives like John is living now.

Your Mental Health Is Most Important… Take Care Of It And It Will Take Care Of You!!!

-Author: Miss Riona Balgobind (Social Work Therapist)-